thoughts while pissing on a dumpster outside the Brooklyn Public Library

my mother (a principal) calls it “going
wee-wee.” My father calls it “pishin,” no
doubt a vein of the farm his parents
once lived on. My worst ever baby-sitter,
Candy, who my spite is still coddled by
12 years later, called it “tinkling.”
But I have no pretensions, and
when it is against a dumpster outside the
Brooklyn Public Library, the only appropriate
phrase for what I am doing is “taking a piss.”

                                    #

I’m not even drunk right now. Though it
is 4 a.m., and I did just force two
plain donuts down my groping gullet
(poor things, they didn’t even taste good).
But my eyes are not lusty, I do not
feel invincible (quite the opposite,
in fact), and I am not plagued by
breadloaf hiccups, so I am mostly sure
I am not drunk.

                                    #

I hope no one catches me, out here,
with my wiener in my hand. At best,
my penis is usually a wiener. It is
rarely a cock. Right now, it is
definitely a wiener.

                                    #

If I were stopped by the police
right now, could I rightfully
call that “getting busted,” or is
that phrase saved for buddy cop
movies and Law and Order?

                                    #

If I were to be busted by the cops
right now, would the proximity of
my uncovered wiener to the public
library merit a sexual misdemeanor?
Even if I am 95 percent sure the
library is closed? Would it help
if I told them how disappointed
my parents would be? Or said,
“no way I’m a sexual predator-
some of my best friends are kids!”

                                    #

Could I blame it on Miley Cyrus?

                                    #

I feel constantly unimpressed with
how cold New York doesn’t get in
summer, despite the bi-weekly storm.
I always carry a jacket
in my bag just in case. And
because I like how I look in a jacket
more than not in a jacket. If I
were wearing a jacket right now,
it would probably help to cover my
wiener. But, because it is 80
degrees out, and not raining,
I would probably look more crazy.

                                    #

The question of covering one’s
wiener or looking crazy is the
biggest issue America faces today.

                                    #

(PARENTHETICAL ONE:
Shout-out to Carlos Danger for making
a poem about dicks into a political statement,
even though I didn’t mean to.)

                                    #

(PARENTHETICAL TWO:
You know poetry has come a long way
when there are shout-outs in poems.
You don’t know in which direction.)

                                    #

It would be so easy to mug me right
now. But, even a mugger may be
hesitant to approach someone in my
current position. If I were a mugger,
I would not choose the man with his
wiener in his hand if there were other
immediate options.

                                    #

Who did you picture when I said
“a mugger”?

                                    #

I have a library card and pay taxes,
so maybe I’m entitled to this.
Plus, it feels really good. Despite my
fear of getting caught or mugged.

                                    #

I fear that nothing could possibly feel
better than this incredible release.

                                    #

I fear that when I die, this will be
the only poem you remember.

                                  ###

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5 thoughts on “thoughts while pissing on a dumpster outside the Brooklyn Public Library

  1. I like that you ask who the reader pictured when you said mugger.
    It’s interesting that you reflect on the state of society and communication with the shout out, shout out commentary., and smiley Cyrus question 🙂 interesting as usual. Also
    “Some of my best friends are kids!” Very funny!

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